funny for the day

[Bonecollecter1111]

Reasons to Avoid High School Reunions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in
Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
you know what.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[southernmallard]

Honesty is the best policy

[landscaper]

Ok...here's my lame contribution for today.

Jim has had a problem with flatulence for quite sometime. He has been to every doctor and specialist in the country and none of them are able to help him. Jim is at the end of his rope and confides in a friend. "Every time I feel the urge to break wind it is uncontrollable. It's very loud and always sounds like it is saying 'Honda!' It's very embarrassing. I've seen every doctor in the country. What am I gonna do?!"

His friend says, "Well, have you been to your dentist?"

Jim replies, " No I haven't been to my dentist. What could he possibly do to my mouth that would help my gas problem?"

His friend says, " I don't know but if you've tried everything else it couldn't hurt."

In desperation Jim calls his dentist and explains his problem. The dentist says that he thinks he knows what the problem is and schedules Jim for some x-rays.

On viewing the x-rays the dentist say, " That's just what I suspected. You have a terrible abscess. We have to get this tooth out immediately!"

Jim doesn't understand. "Doc, how is pulling this abscessed tooth going solve my problem?" To which the dentist replies, "Jim! Haven't you ever heard?.............





































...........'Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

[Redhead]

[Chuckle12]

landscaper, shortly you will recieve a bill for those 2 minutes of my life I spent reading your joke that I will never get back. That was brutal.

It's almost as bad as my favorite joke...

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many of them know how to dance.

[skywalker]

Two med students were walking down the sidewalk behind an old man who was walking strangely......his knees bent together and then he would take a few steps and do it again. The two students began to diagnose the man......
1st student, "I think he has a fractured pelvis and inflammation of his left knee."
Very good, said the other student, however, "I believe he has been this way since birth and that his femur bones are curved inappropriately, thus his walk."
The two student follow a little farther and their curiosity takes over. They approach the older man and each give their diagnosis.
He smiles and says, "Yall are both wrong." To which they respond, "Then what is the problem". The old man replies, "I thought I had to fart..........I was wrong as well."

[Bubba12]

Man and woman in the bed, woman wakes husband up and says baby wake up I had a dream and you gotta hear about it.
Husband asks what was it about.
Woman says I was at a dick auction and they had dicks of all kinds some of them were going for $10000.
Husband asks was there any there like mine?
Woman says yea
Husband asks what was they going for?
woman says "dime a dozen'
husband thinks I'll get her back
About an hour latter husband wakes up and says "baby wake up I had a dream and you gotta hear about it".
Woman asks " What was it about?"
Husband says" I was at a P***** auction and they had P**** of all kind some of them were going for $20000
Woman asks was there any like mine?
Husband says "Yea there was 2"
Woman says" just 2 they must have been high"
Husband says "Oh no they weren't for sale"
Woman asks "what was they doing with them then?"
Husband says "Icing there beer in one and throwing there cans in the other"

[regishay]

Since the season starts tonight, how about a football joke.




An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few
minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -"Touchdown, tie
score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -"Touchdown,
I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done, the wife rips another one and says, -"Touchdown,
tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -"Field Goal, I
lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman,
so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he
poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides

[DoublePslayer]

Bill goes to the Doctors office, and says, "doc, I've been having this problem for awhile now. Every time I have sex, I get the farts really bad." Doc says "Let me go look this up, and ill get back to you in a few minutes." He goes to the room next door and finds Sue. Sue says "Doc, every time I have sex I yell 'Hold that tiger at the top of my lungs and can't stop." Doc says hmmm, ill have to look this up and get back to you in a few minutes. Well, doc goes to his office to look this up, and Bob gets thirsty and goes for a drink of water. On the way back, he goes into the wrong room, and just as the doctor is about to open Sue's door he hears " Hold that tiger! Phttt! Hold that tiger! Phttt! Hold that tiger!

[landscaper]

Not sure if this one is better or worse than the last one!

A girl who has had a long run of bad luck socially decides that a visit to renowned specialist and psychologist Dr. Li Wong is the answer to her dating slump.

Dr. Wong says, "Ok. Prease terl what probrem seems to be."

She relates that she has had very few dates in several years and the one she has had have ended terribly. Men just don't show much interest in her.

Dr. Wong looks her over momentarily, studies her file, and says, "Ok. Prease take off arl you crothes and craw rearry rearry fas acloss room to door."

This is not the question/answer counseling session she expected, but the girl reluctantly complies, taking off all her clothes, getting on her hands and knees and crawling as fast as she can across the doctor's office.

When she reaches the other side of the room Dr. Wong says, " Thank you vely much. Now, craw rearry rearry fas back to me."

When the girl returns to her pile of clothes Dr. Wong say, " Ah! I see you probrem! You have Ed Zachary disease!"

The girl says, " Oh, no! That sounds serious!"

Dr. Wong replies, " Yes, vely vely selious! Cause arl you dating probrems! No cure!"

The disturbed girl asks, " What do I have doctor? What is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Wong looks at here gravely and says, " Ed Zachary disease caused when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you butt!"

[quackheadbp]

Not sure if this one is better or worse than the last one!

A girl who has had a long run of bad luck socially decides that a visit to renowned specialist and psychologist Dr. Li Wong is the answer to her dating slump.

Dr. Wong says, "Ok. Prease terl what probrem seems to be."

She relates that she has had very few dates in several years and the one she has had have ended terribly. Men just don't show much interest in her.

Dr. Wong looks her over momentarily, studies her file, and says, "Ok. Prease take off arl you crothes and craw rearry rearry fas acloss room to door."

This is not the question/answer counseling session she expected, but the girl reluctantly complies, taking off all her clothes, getting on her hands and knees and crawling as fast as she can across the doctor's office.

When she reaches the other side of the room Dr. Wong says, " Thank you vely much. Now, craw rearry rearry fas back to me."

When the girl returns to her pile of clothes Dr. Wong say, " Ah! I see you probrem! You have Ed Zachary disease!"

The girl says, " Oh, no! That sounds serious!"

Dr. Wong replies, " Yes, vely vely selious! Cause arl you dating probrems! No cure!"

The disturbed girl asks, " What do I have doctor? What is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Wong looks at here gravely and says, " Ed Zachary disease caused when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you butt!"